If I could be any Disney Princess, I would be…

When facing the tough decision of picking which Disney Princess I would be if I could only pick one, I chose Ariel. I hate when life throws you these tough decisions. It’s not fair. But, as I lay in my bed, I forced myself to choose. Believe me it wasn’t easy. But, as a teenage 32-year-old gay man some times you just have to grow up.

So, I pick Ariel as my Princess identity, There were a lot of factors that went into this. First off was her friends. Now I’m not much for seafood, so right there is a good start. Plus my fear of dwarfs, mice, and talking household items kind of ruled a lot of the other princesses out. You have to admit have Scuttles around, would be a good time. You never know the crazy shit that’s going to come out of his mouth. Also the under the sea friends aren’t too bad either. Although I can see myself getting a little annoyed with Flounder. He’s a little needy and sometimes you just want to tell him to get his own life. But, every Paris Hilton needs someone to kiss their ass.

That brings me to my next point. Ariel had it made. All she had to do was sing at a concert or two and the rest of her time was hers. She was like Adele, always missing dates, claiming she was having vocal problems, but then a week later you appear on an awards show singing just fine. Face it, she was just lazy, and people accept it because of her talent. I am talking about Ariel by the way. But, over all Ariel could do what she wanted whenever she wanted. Her only mistake is she got caught.

And thank God she did. If not she never would have been able to meet Ursula the Sea Witch. She met perhaps one of the greatest drag queens in history.  Yeah, she may have been kind of a bitch, but you would be too if you were forced to hide your talent in a cave with two twink eels. It’s not her fault that the people she bargained with weren’t able to out master a queen. And, the Atlantic isn’t that big, everyone knows everyone elses business, so they should have known to keep away from her. Ariel knew what she was in for. She’s like Kim Kardashian, rich, stupid, and willing to do anything to get what she wants. But, unlike Kim Kardashian the guys she was after was white.

Finally, that was the final factor. Prince wise, Eric is by far the sexiest Prince out there. Okay, you’re probably thinking I’m a freak because I have a strange attraction to a cartoon, but I know you all do too. You have to admit Aladdin is pretty hot, the only reason I didn’t pick him was because he was poor, and I’m not having my man mooch of my undeserved money…

Know what? Thinking about it, I just want to be hot Ursula, I’ve never been a huge fan of red hair anyway. Only thing is, the ending is going to be a lot different. Watch out Ariel, Eric wants sushi for dinner.

The Best of 2012

Here are my 10 favorite things of 2012, in no particular order.

 

 

Liz and Dick. Perhaps the worst/best movie made since “Showgirls”. but where show girls was brilliant, this was just tragic. But, isn’t anything with Lindsay Lohan now a days.

 

 

Yes, she is my favorite teen sensation at the age of 27. Just goes to show at any age you can be a teenage dream. Here’s hoping in 2013, they need a 32 year old teen super star. Fingers crossed.

 

 

Okay I know it’s been out for years, but I just discovered it this year. SO, it’s new to me, and this blog isn’t about you, it’s about me.

 

 

The nude photos of Zac Effron that were leaked. I didn’t post the real one, because I don’t want to expose him, but I wasn’t complaining.

 

 

Hulk Hogan sex tape. Do I really need to say anymore? I don’t think so.

 

 

Jesse Spano/Nomi Malone had a baby on MY birthday! Creepy? Yes. But, I love it.

 

 

Best movie of the year in my opinion. And I have been waiting for it since they announced it.

 

 

I miss my friends in San Francisco, but glad to be back in NYC. I feel like Rachel Berry in the end of season 3.

 

 

I got to see the Meryl Streep of Disney live on stage. It was like I was in the presence of a goddess.

 

And this is the number 1. I met my best friend. My Jesse Spano doll. Yep,  that was the best part of my year. Having an early 90’s doll in my life.

 

Okay just kidding, I’m lucky to have all my friends and family in my life. Love you all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next time on a very special…

 

No what I am missing today? A very special episode of any 80’s or 90’s sitcom. They just don’t make t.v. how they used to. I think that is what is missing in kids lives today.   I knew that diet pills were bad for me, because both Jesse Spano and Alex P. Keaton taught me this. I bet kids today don’t know what to do when their best friend Cherry gets locked in a refrigerator and have to perform CPR, because they don’t have Punky. And, what about how to treat people who are different than you like cousin Gerri? I thank you for that Facts of Life.

People say kids today are out of control having sex and doing drugs and I think this could all be prevented by having a very special episode of whatever show the kids are watching these days. As much as I love Glee, every episode is a very special one, because those kids have more problems than Lindsay Lohan and Liza Minnelli combined. I think parents just need to sit down with their children and watch these classics and then they might think before hopping into bed with the first person they meet, because the will remember how Natalie felt when she was the first of the girls to lose the big V.

Yeah, these programs were cheesy, but I think I turned out for the better. Yes, I have a strange addiction to celebrity dolls, but wouldn’t you rather have your kid have that addiction than to over the counter medication. Kids worried about that pool party they have to go to? Don’t let them turn into D.J. Tanner and stops eating and using the treadmill too much (for like 10 seconds) and then collapses.

So I urge parents to start watching these very special episodes in the new year. They are playing all over cable and streaming on Netflix. 2013 can be a very special year in more ways than one. Don’t let your kids become like Six from Blosson and start dating a married man. It only leads to trouble.

WHAT THE HECK IS RALPHIE COMPLAINING ABOUT!?

 

I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what Ralphie from A Christmas story is complaining about.  His sweet Aunt Clara worked her fingers to the bone putting together this pink masterpiece that are these pink bunny pajamas. And they say kids today are ungrateful. Do you know how many young boys around America listening to Olivia Newton John on the original vinyl would die for what you have?

As a child I was forced to wear Star Wars pajamas. I was like five or six. Do you really think a six year old boy is interested in spaceships and aliens? I don’t think so. Six year old boys want to play with unicorns and fairies. My friend growing up had my little ponies pajamas, and can I just say I was the most jealous little boy living in the suburbs of Minneapolis. Every sleep over, there she was flaunting it in my face that her pajamas had colorful magical horses, while mine just had the faces of Jaba the Hut, Luke Skywalker, and a freaky guy in a black mask.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to dress up like a pink bunny, hopping around giving Christmas cheer. I would call myself Hoplena and my  special powers would be hugs of truth and butterfly kisses of love. Spreading love around the world to all the boys. And in those days Maxwell Caulfield from Grease 2 would show up on his motorcycle and we would ride off into the sunset.

So Ralphie, next time Aunt Clara makes you a purple unicorn onesie or a hat that looks like a bumble bee, remember some deprived boy in Fridley Minnesota is dreaming of hopping around like a pink bunny or  galloping in the clouds like Sparkle the Purple Unicorn. Than again, you wanted to act like a cowboy. You are a disgrace to young boys around America.

Nothing says Christmas like diet pill addiction.

 

Every Christmas Eve for the past three years, I have made it my tradition to watch the amazing very special episode of Saved by the Bell’s “Jesse’s Song”. For those of you who may be reading this and don’t know me, I have a slight obsession with Elizabeth Berkley. But, for some reason a young girl addicted to diet pills, just brings the holiday spirit in me.

If you have not ever had the pleasure of seeing this Holiday classic, here is a quick rundown of this amazing Christmas special. Jesse is a young woman embarking on life. As her life as a girl comes to an end, it is time for her to make some choice’s in becoming a woman. Her dream of attending Stamford is coming closer and closer. With the SATs right around the corner, Jesse is in full on study mode. BUT, on top of the pressures of high school life, and getting into a top school, Jesse is also now on the brink of becoming a teen super star in the new girl group Hot Sundae. What’s a girl to do? Why diet pills of course. As her life gets crazier she pops more pills, and the hilarity ensues.

You maybe asking yourself “How is this a Christmas special?”. Well, I guess special is the wrong word. MIRACLE is. This is a gift from the baby Jesus himself. Between the bad writing and horrific acting, you couldn’t ask for a more hideous thing to watch. It brings joy to my heart when Hot Sundae starts to sing in three-part auto tune during perhaps one of the worst songs written in music history “Go For It”. The smile it brings to my face when A.C. Slater finds out that Jesse is taking the pills. And, of course the warm tinglely feeling it gives me when Jesse finally breaks down from all the pressure. This truly is a Christmas miracle.

There are a few lessons to be learned in this as well. One is that if you are one to complain about gaining weight during the holiday season, perhaps pop a diet pill or two between those Christmas cookies. Another is if that holiday party is draggin along, maybe you should take a diet pill with that fourth glass of wine, I hear it can really get things going. And, finally it teaches you about friendship. While you are lying under the tree after all the shopping and cooking and wrapping, I think you are going to want your friends to pick you up and tell you, maybe you should lay off the pills til next Christmas season.

So please, join me in watching this Christmas classic this Christmas Eve. Grab the kids, cuddle on the couch, and pour yourself a large glass of wine. Cause after all, isn’t the reason for the season over the counter drugs? Have a wonderful Christmas Eve everyone.

My wedding to Zac Efron

I only plan on getting married once. I also only plan on getting married to Zac Efron. So, like any young girl I fantasize about our dream wedding. After Zac Efron proposed to me on the Shubert Theater stage in front of thousands of people, after his Broadway debut in “Top Gun: The Musical”. The next step was to plan our wedding. Which is probably going to be US weekly’s story of the year.

I don’t want a traditional wedding in a church, I’m marrying Zac Efron, I want an extravaganza. Location is key. So, I’m thinking either in central park where a white dove will fly in and place our wedding rings on our fingers, or Madison Square Gardens, where it will be a full on spectacle with performances by Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, and Pink flying over us. We’ll charge a small fee of $250 per seat. That way Zac and I can buy an island for our honeymoon.

Zac will wear a classic black Calvin Kline tuxedo, while I will be wearing an original Marc Jacobs made just for me. perhaps something in white with a baby blue or pink trim. Or maybe something totally over the top that would only debut in his fall collection in Milan, but he decided I was the only one that could wear it. It’s my day, so I’ll wear what I want.

As for the menu. I’m thinking simple. Catered by 7-11, all the chili cheese dogs and taquitos you want with our specialty cocktail featuring Absolut vodka mixed with grape soda. Of course we steal a little piece from Steel Magnolias and have an armadillo cake, but this will be our wedding cake and the armadillo will be wearing a little top hat. It’s going to be delicious.

Finally, my wedding party, of course my besties Tiffany, Sara, and Kelly Clarkson will share the duties of maid of honor. Kelly Clarkson will sing as I walk down the aisle. I’m thinking either Since You Been Gone, or Evergreen. Nicole Scherzinger, Santana from Glee, and Parker Posey will be groomsmaids as well. All wearing original Marc Jacobs groomsmaid dresses as well.

It’s going to be amazing. Zac and I will then adopt a African baby that our nannies will take care of while we vacation all over the world, and make movies. We will name her Name. We will be criticized by the tabloids for naming her Name, but the few hours we spend with her every month we will love her and care for her. What a life this is going to be.

Where’s the party Cyrus?

Hey Cyrus? Where’s this damn party you keep screaming about? I was in San Francisco, Minneapolis, and now in New York and I didn’t see you at any party. There was no one rocking kicks and I believe a couple of my least favorite Jay Z hits were on. Yet no Miley. So here are just a couple of tips for you when throwing a party.

First off, you need to let your guest know where the party is. This is very important. Saying the party is in the U.S.A. isn’t very helpful. The U.S.A. is a very big country and people might get lost. Give your guest an address or at least the name of the bar/club you are throwing the party. At least this way people can do a google search and arrive on time. Bringing me to my next point. Let your friends know the date and time they should show up. You don’t want be interrupted while re bleaching your hair, or making wedding plans.

Now on to music. playing Britney Spears and Jay Z at the same party probably isn’t the best idea. If you’re with your gays lets just stick in the Britney genre, it’s okay to play some Beyonce featuring Jay Z, but we don’t need to be playing his solo stuff. Keep the party light and fresh. No one wants to be a party where the song is about shooting guns and bangin ladies. It’s kind of a downer. Now, if you’re having a dinner party with Ludicrous and Eminem maybe it would appropriate to bring out your Jay Z albums. Even in this situation I would maybe suggest Vanilla Ice or Kris Kross, everyone likes a good laugh.

Finally, don’t worry about people think about what you’re wearing. If you want to wear kicks that is up to you. If people are going to judge you for what you’re wearing, they are not your real friends. Be comfortable. It’s your party. You can mix plaids and stripes if you want (although I wouldn’t suggest it), do what makes you happy.

So, Miley Cyrus, put your hands up your party is going to be amazing . Just don’t run out of booze, don’t invite your father, and make sure to invite Zac Effron. I think we would look really cute together. Don’t you? Look forward to your next Facebook invite.

Hey Carly Rae Jepson! Don’t be such a slut.

  As you lay on the hood of your car, with your wet tank top and red wedge heals, did you ever think Carly Rae Jepson that perhaps giving this guy your number might be a bad idea?  A few things can only come of this. Lucky for you, this time the guy only turned out to be gay. But, have you ever thought of the negatives that could come of this?

  I guess I’m an old fashion gay, but I think the boy should give the girl his number. Just like in gay relationships the butch guy should give the nelly one his number. I know, I know, womens lib and nelly power. But, do you really want to be that girl sitting at home on a Friday night waiting for this guy to call? You’re a 27 year old teen sensation. You could have a fake Hollywood relationship with any B list celebrity you wanted. Come one CRJ wouldn’t you rather be Joe Jonas beard or walk the red carpet with one of the twins from The Suite Life of Zach and Cody.

  One thing is for sure, Joe Jonas isn’t going to pretend to date a slut. I don’t like calling girls sluts, but when a girl is handing out her number to every guy she meets at some mall fountain what else can you call her. No guy is going to take any girl serious when she’s handing out her number to every townie in Canada. Soon you’re going to be wearing the scarlet letter and the best you’re going to get is Aaron Carter. And believe me, you don’t want that. Remember the Hilary Swank and Lindsay Lohan debacle. Next thing you know the girl from I Carly is going to be writing mean songs about you.

  Finally, how do you know this guy isn’t a complete nut job? I mean what if he turns out like that guy obsessed with Jody Foster? He tried killing a president because he was in love with a lesbian. My mother always told me to not talk to strangers, and i think your mother needs to sit down with you and tell you not to give your number out to every cute guy you see. He may be cute now, but when he is standing outside your bedroom window with a boom box over his head blaring your song, how cute is he going to be then?

  I think you need more gay friends Carly Rae Jepson. They will tell you the same thing I’m telling you. Boys like the chase. Who do you want to be? Carrie? Or Samantha? While Samantha had her fun trolling around the city with her clever zingers and every guy in Manhattan, do you think deep inside she was happy. No. Find yourself a Mr. Big. So, get away from that well you keep throwing coins and making wishes over and go to a bar. Let some handsome fellow buy you a drink. Nothing ever bad happens when a stranger buys you a drink. Right?

It’s called tradition Brandon Blackstock.

As news broke the other day of Kelly Clarkson’s engagement I had mixed feelings. I’m very happy that Kelly has found a man to settle down with. She deserves it and now the lesbian rumors can be put to rest. On the other hand I was a little upset with her fiance for not first coming to me to ask permission to marry her. In my mind Kelly Clarkson and I are best friends. We take rides on a bicycle built for two around central park, laugh when people trip on the curb and she sings me to sleep every night.

In my mind he should have invited me to his step mother Reba Mcentire’s house. Reba would have made some cookies and warm apple cider with a cinnamon stick in it. We would sit down and chat about Reba’s new sitcom and my Oscar nomination for my portrayal of legendary singer Jonathan Knight in NKOTB: The Not So Right Stuff. And then Brandon would excuse himself for second, while Reba sang me The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia.

Brandon returns with a blue box. “A gift for me?” I think. Then he grabs my knee and opens the box. I see a beautiful.10 carot diamond sparkling at me. He tells me it’s for my best friend Kelly and he ask if it’s okay for her hand. I make a joke about not taking away my girl time with her. We both laugh and I end up saying of course. Then there is a beautiful wedding, where I’m the gay of honor. Zac Effron is there and we end up falling in love, and when Kelly throws the bouquet I catch it. And we know how that ends.

You know what? NONE of this happened. Kelly said yes, and excepted that awful yellow diamond. Not even a text was sent from him. It’s called TRADITION Brandon. In my mind we are best friend and you should know this. Do you think when Will Smitth asked Jada for her hand he didn’t go to the lonely gay guy who thinks they are best friends in his head for permission first? I don’t know the answer. I’m really close with the Smiths. But, I’m sure he did. Take a tip Brandon.

I want to be an Olsen.

As I grow older and older my dreams of being a underweight, childstar, billionare is slipping away. I am coming to grips with never having an my own ABC sitcom, or my own holiday special. And sadly my dream of sitting on John Stamos’s lap isn’t looking to good either. As I lay in my bed day dreaming about what should of been, I realize, I want to be an Olsen.

The fashion, the glamour, the scandals. What 32 year old gay man doesn’t want that? What I wouldn’t give to be the one that gave Heith Ledger that final pill that won him the Oscar. In a sense Mary-Kate also won an Oscar, because lets face it, she had a small part to do with it. And what I wouldn’t give to take “classes” at NYU just for fun. It doesn’t matter if you pass or fail you have a clothing line that targets young skinny girls. To be able to say I made millions off a song called “Brother for Sale”. They have it all.

So my goal in the coming year is to become an Olsen. I will do everything they did to get to their success. If that means having to laugh at Dave Coulier’s awful jokes or doing meth with Jodie Sweetin, so be it. Don’t eat on days that end in Y? Why not? Always having a look of suprise with a twist of terror in it? Sure. I will do whatever it takes to become what these girls are today.

Sure I may be a few years older from when they started, but I can say “You got it dude” just as sweet and innocent as they did when they were kids. Of course I have a little more hair on my body than they do, but that’s why God made electolysis for. And of course I’m not a size -2, but Rita Aid sells ipecac when i give into temptations and eat that grape.

So watch out word, there’s a new Olsen twin in the world. He has the sweetness of Michelle Tanner, the eyes of a frightened raccoon and the fashion of a trendy bag lady. Here he is boys. Here he is world. It’s Johnny Olsen. I’m coming for your lap John Stamos.